On People With As*holes
"We are leaving Slovakia." Such a small, innocent little sentence, yet it has caused so much commotion.
But let’s take it chronologically. Almost every single conversation continued more or less like this:
Without much excitement: "Oh, sure, and where to?"
"To Canada," - here we usually pause and don't actively continue, because we already know the drill.
"Ooo, well that's ..." - and the mental GPS starts recalculating; standard destinations like the UK and Germany are re-evaluated"...wait WHERE are you going?"
Secretly clenching our teeth: "Yeah, yeah, to Canada."
"And when are you going?"
"We don't know, we have until April 19, 2025 to leave." We had a whole year for the departure, which we utilized properly. Selling a house isn't a job for a single afternoon.
"And what will you do there?"
"We don't know yet."
"And where will you live?"
"We don't know," (though we have a pretty good idea).
"Oh, right, and do you know anyone there?"
"No, we don't."
At this moment, the other party usually switches modes, and the conversation continues in only one of two possible ways.
Variant Number 1: The Justifier.
"Well, I would go away too, but..." and here you can fill in whatever you like. It tends to be one of these options: kids, family, work, I don't know the language well, I'm scared to travel, I don't want to start over.
With "Justifier" conversation partners, we really have no choice but to sigh and kindly pat them on the shoulder. "It’s okay. We aren't telling anyone that they have to leave here, nor do you have to justify or explain anything to us. Let everyone live their life as they see fit."
Then we have Variant Number 2: The Know-It-All.
"CANADA? Well, I have a ..." and here we fill in something from this range: brother, sister, buddy, gal pal, cousin, neighbor, neighbor's friend, ex-colleague I haven't seen for 6 years, the elderly lady who used to stock Kofola* at our local grocery store. And this conversation usually proceeds somewhat like this:
"And, well, they really don't like it there!"—said mostly very self-importantly and with appropriate emphasis so we understand the gravitas.
On our side, this is the moment we mobilize all remaining will to live and ask the fundamental question: "And where in Canada does XY live?" 9.9 times out of ten it is: Vancouver or Toronto.
At this point, we have no choice but to shake the person's paw and thank them for their—let's note, unsolicited—participation in the survey. Canada is such a huge country that unless you are going to live in at least the same province, your answer has a testimonial value approaching zero. It is about as relevant as a Canadian telling you they are going to live in Prague, and you explaining to them that, well, Slovakia is sh*t, so don't go there. Given that Canada is a federation, individual provinces have their own jurisdiction and institutions. Information about life in Alberta is useless to you in Ontario. Sure, Slovakia is technically just one country, but all sorts of people from Bratislava might feel like they are in a different country when they are in the Rožňava** district :) #hurtfulstereotypes
A special place on the penalty bench is reserved for all those—and there were quite a few—who started telling us about their acquaintances in the USA. President Trump has been saying for the last few weeks that Canada will become the 51st American state, but for now, we are laughing at that along with the locals. After all, the mere fact that South Park has a movie on this topic speaks for itself :).
The geopolitical situation at the time of our departure is definitely not ideal; Trump's tariffs/non-tariffs are almost like Matovič's*** anti-COVID measures. Every day brings a new surprise. Since we are heading to Ontario, we will certainly feel the impact of this situation. However, it doesn't have to be all that bleak. Who among you knows, for example, that several American states (New York, Michigan, Minnesota) are dependent on Canadian electricity? Not to mention the import of oil, other raw minerals, and automobiles. Canada is definitely not a small, lame puppy in this fight, as the American media presents it, and it also knows how to cause trouble for its neighbor.
We are still missing the answer to the most important question: will it be good there? Unfortunately (or fortunately), we don't have a crystal ball, and Grandma's tarot cards got lost somewhere. But what we have had in full supply lately were opinions. Positive opinions, negative opinions, admiring and supportive opinions... actually, everyone who has asshole had some (irrelevant) opinion on our departure and didn't hesitate to tell us on the spot.
We have no choice but to relocate and file a report... and at least you finally found out why this article has such an outrageous title.****
PS: It is 3,540 kilometers from Ottawa to Vancouver, which is about like going from the UK to Turkey.
Authors’ notes:
*Did you know Slovakia and the Czech republic are the only two countries in world where neither Coca Cola nor Pepsi Cola is the most popular soft drink? Yes, during the Socialist era, there was no access to “western” beverages like these, so our people had to get creative and hence, Kofola was born. Not many foreigners appreciate it, since they expect the typical sugar bomb of Coke and Kofola has more of herbal notes. But if you love it, nothing else matters.
** Rožňava is a small county town in Slovakia with 16 000 inhabitants. The type of a town where nothing really ever happens and the majority of people struggle with poverty and-or alcohol addiction.
*** Igor Matovič is a former PM of Slovakia. He had been elected one week before the pandemic was officially declared in Slovakia. Oh boy, talk about bad luck. It certainly did not help his already fragile mental health.
**** The title is exact translation of a slang Slovak saying “každý, kto ma v riti dieru” meaning that such as literally everyone has a rectum, everyone has an opinion on a given topic.