On Why We Are Where We Are

As the late Dr. Droba* used to say, with a probability bordering on certainty, this article will irritate you. Oh well.

Even though I outlined the frequent questions regarding our departure in the introductory article, we haven’t yet explained why we are where we are. Meaning, why exactly Canada and, of all places, why Ottawa. I promise there is logic behind it and it wasn’t a random choice, so this article isn’t clickbait :).

Before that, however, I feel the need to return to the homeland for a moment. Everyone asked us where we were going; hardly anyone asked why we were leaving, and almost no one told us we should stay. That, too, is a reflection of the country.

Here is a brief list of events from the first quarter of 2025 in Slovakia: the land registry hacked and out of operation for 4 months, a VAT increase to 23 percent, a transaction tax **, and an epidemic of foot-and-mouth disease. I surely missed a bunch of things since Denník N*** has already cut off my subscription and I’m living here in sweet ignorance with a 6-hour time difference. I’d rather not even mention here in Canada that we crowdfund incubators for sick children through a satirical Facebook page ****. But I’ve tried a few times to explain the transaction tax; so far, no one has been able to process the concept.

If I´ll ever be in a more melancholic mood and have a few glasses of wine in me, I’ll really let loose, but for now, you are spared. So, how did we proceed while choosing a new country to live in?

Criterion No. 1: Official Language

If there is one condition that is an absolute deal-breaker, it’s the language. We only had countries where English is an official language in our sights. Yes, all of us who finished geography at least up to the seventh grade know that Scandinavia has a high standard of living and you can get by with English. But here we hit the fact that real integration into society anywhere in the world equals the local language. Not to mention potential citizenship in the new homeland—at that point, knowledge of the language is truly essential. 

Since neither of us felt like tackling Finnish or Danish, we were left with only English-speaking countries. If you sift these through an "exotic filter" (dropping destinations like Nigeria or India), you should get more or less this list: UK, USA, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, Malta, and Canada.

Criterion No. 2: Standard of Living

There were times when everyone wanted to live the American Dream. It probably still survives somewhere, but the circle of those who can reach it is getting smaller and smaller. For many, the real "America" means unaffordable education and healthcare, opioid addiction, guns, the need to have several jobs to support a family, and so on. Trump, who runs the country based on whether he woke up on the wrong side of the bed in the morning, doesn't help either.

So, we cross out the United States, and we are left with: UK, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, Malta, and Canada.

Criterion No. 3: Visa Policy

Well, and at this point, we hit the wall massively. Even if we put aside all the murderous critters and the remoteness of the country in general, Australia is known for its strict visa policy. The same applies to New Zealand. Of course, those who search hard will find a way. The question is how much it will cost in terms of nerves and money.

It also depends on your background—specialists are needed everywhere, so if you do something very niche or happen to be a genius in training, the doors will be open to you. In general, however, for an ordinary Slovak, it is very difficult beyond short-term visas.

Those of you who have opened a newspaper at least once in the last few years have probably read about Brexit. Unless you lived in the UK before or at least studied there, and you want to emigrate there now, you have to go through a visa process even if you are a European Union citizen. So thanks, but no thanks. To be honest, I thought about tossing the UK out in the previous point because it’s not exactly stellar there either, but I think the visa process is the more significant factor.

So we are left with: Ireland, Malta, and Canada.

Criterion No. 4: Housing Affordability

I have never personally been to Ireland, so I am judging based on our research and conversations with people who lived there: Ireland is great. BUT. Housing affordability is zero point zero point zero ******.... After the aforementioned Brexit, logically, many Brits moved exactly there.

Sure, it can be bypassed by, for example, remote positions and a cute little house in the emerald-green Irish countryside. A bit of a bad plan when you work in HR and you don't enjoy recruitment. I mean, I would even go work manually, but what use am I when I can’t even cut a piece of paper straight :)?

We are left with: Malta and Canada

I don’t know if you could find two more different countries. Malta is a tiny rock near the African coast. You can drive from one end to the other in maybe an hour (and that’s only because you’re stuck in traffic). Culturally, it’s super attractive as the original Semitic culture mixes with imported English and Italian influences. It’s in the European Union. Literally, I pack my suitcase, grab the dog and the husband, and I go. 

But. A lot of people in a small space = high population density. Minimal green areas. Just like in Ireland, I could go live in the countryside—in this case, the second island, Gozo—but again, I ran into the job problem. The ideal living temperature for me is one where I wear long pants and a T-shirt. So... 22 degrees? In Malta in the summer, no chance. They drive on the left. Also, I don’t know if it’s a good experiment for me when I can barely distinguish left from right.

In contrast, Canada is the second-largest country in the world. A measly 41 million people live here. And who will populate it if not immigrants? Yes, you have to get here somehow. Luckily, there are over 200 different visa programs. The official languages are English and French. Housing outside the top cities is still affordable. Canada meets all four of our set criteria. 

Is it the Promised Land where everyone is throwing money around and they don't know what to do with themselves out of pure bliss? Definitely not. Many Canadians we've spoken to so far are very disillusioned and disgusted with the current state of public affairs. I believe them. YouTube is full of videos of people addicted to fentanyl staggering through Vancouver. Or people living in cars because they can't afford the ever-increasing rent. People are fleeing Toronto because they can’t make a living. In downtown Ottawa, I almost stepped on a homeless person sleeping in the middle of the sidewalk. In Slovakia, you don't see this yet.

 Well, the country is decided, but which city to choose? The crash course on cities in Canada starts ri-ght now!

Vancouver (British Columbia) – A gorgeous city between the Pacific Ocean and the mountains. In your free time, you can walk under palms or head out into breathtaking nature. Also, the most expensive place to live in Canada. "Housing crisis" and "fentanyl" are the most frequently used terms in the public space here.

Edmonton & Calgary (Alberta) – Alberta is the wealthiest province in the country thanks to oil. At the same time, it is the most conservative part. Does that remind you of anything? Maybe Texas? We had our fill of conservatives back in Slovakia.

Calgary is the sunniest city in Canada, with 300 days of sunshine a year. That sounds good, right? Just a small detail: in winter, thanks to the dry climate, it’s -30 degrees, and in summer, there are massive wildfires. Let’s throw frequent hailstorms and non-existent public transit into the mix, and we’re all set.

Edmonton – The same applies as for Calgary, except it’s even colder and harder to get to from Europe. Plus, everything here revolves around the oil industry. Even the local NHL team is called the Edmonton Oilers.

Neither of us is a tractor driver, so we’re crossing out the provinces of Saskatchewan and Manitoba.

Toronto (Ontario) – Close your eyes for a moment and imagine New York from the movies. Got it? Tada! I have a surprise for you—often, New York movies or series are actually filmed in Toronto, the filmmakers just won't admit it :). A good example is Suits. When we were there a long time ago on a walking tour, the guide summarized Toronto laconically in one sentence: "In this city, there are only banks, stock exchanges, and beer." For sports fans—it’s the only Canadian city with a team in the NHL, NBA, and MLB.

Thanks to the strong banking sector and stock exchanges, millions of dollars circulate here every day. And at the same time, millions of people, which affects housing affordability and the traffic situation. There is plenty of work, but what good is that if I have nowhere to live and spend half my life in traffic jams? Don't get us wrong, Toronto Island and the overall vibe of the city are close to our hearts, and once we don’t know what to do with our money, we will definitely move here :)

Update as of February 2026 - Hell no, absolutely no plans to move there. Although.. if you want to make God laugh, share with him your plans, eh?

Montreal (Quebec) – En français s’il vous plaît! Imagine all the nasty jokes about the French and transfer them to a North American setting. Fax is still a standard way of communication here. The city's sewage is drained into the St. Lawrence River. Thank you, I already had a cesspool in Hviezdoslavov ****** and I don't want another one.

We don't know much about the Northern Territories or the Atlantic provinces, so we won't try to act wise about them :) Neither is quite the place for newcomers.

And those of you who made it this far will finally find out why we are in Ottawa. In Ottawa, which you will read about, is a boring city full of bureaucrats. Well, that’s exactly why! Many immigrants choosing a new home don't even consider Ottawa. Their finger on the map slides smoothly from Montreal to Toronto, or they look straight at Vancouver or Alberta. The dot labeled Ottawa on the border of Ontario and Quebec interests no one. In practice, this means much more affordable housing. Fewer people (though we are still talking about a city of a million) and more work. Most government jobs are only available to Canadian citizens, but if half the city's population sits in ministries and offices, who does everything else around them? Ministry officials keep the whole country running; immigrants keep Ottawa and its residents running. Moreover, since the days of COVID, these officials have been clinging to home offices with their teeth and nails, which means a reasonable traffic situation on the roads. If you don't want to go by car, you can hop on one of the public transit bus lines or the brand-new LRT trains (a subway equivalent).

Update as of February 2026 - government employees have been mandated RTO so good times for the public transport are probably over. We´ll only get to witness it in couple months but predictions are unfavourable.

In addition, there is a ton of greenery in Ottawa. For example, we live across the road from the government quarter, and as dog owners, we could hardly wish for a better place to live. The entire area is open to the public, there is plenty of grass, and on our walks, we are accompanied by squirrels, Canada geese, and groundhogs. Bored of squirrels? I can choose which dog park to go to. Don't want a dog park? Here you go, a promenade runs along the river through the whole city. It takes us 10 minutes by car across the bridge to the nearest national park, and in the middle of the city, there is a huge state experimental farm (freely accessible) and a lake where you can go boating.

In the short time we've been here, I've noticed one more interesting thing. Almost everyone who struck up a conversation with me and found out we were new here started telling me, on their own, what an amazing place it is to live. How many people naturally mention that in a conversation on the street in Bratislava? I will definitely write much more about Ottawa, but first, we need to experience it better. The real problem, or rather the question, is: where is your bar for standard of living? Ours, brought from Slovakia, are quite low :)

It could still very easily happen that a year from now we’ll be packing our bags again because the Canadian dream turns into a nightmare. Nothing points to that yet, but who knows. Shit happens.

Authors’ notes:

*Dr. Droba was a well-known Slovak psychiatrist and forensic specialist. In his eighties, he became a pop-culture figure thanks to podcast Vražedné psyché (Psyché of murders) that he hosted together with his grandson. He would use very formal, slightly archaic, and highly specific language. The phrase "with a probability bordering on certainty" is his most famous trademark.

**The Transaction Tax: In late 2024 and early 2025, the Slovak government introduced a highly controversial tax on financial transactions for businesses (every time a business sends a bank transfer, they pay a fee to the state). Among the EU Members, only Slovakia and Hungary has imposed this type of tax.

***DenníkN - an independent journal in Slovakia

**** Zomri is a massive satirical FB page in Slovakia. Because the Slovak healthcare system is often underfunded, this meme page frequently organizes nationwide fundraisers. A site known for "shitposting" is more effective at buying medical equipment for critically ill infants than the Ministry of Health.

***** Zero point zero point zero - the phrase refers to this famous video where the policemen do a random alcohol check on a driver. He is absolutely deranged and keeps bitching in a beautiful dialect from the Eastern Slovakia. Too bad that the YT automatic subtitles don´t make justice to this true gem of the Slovak Internet.

Hviezdoslavov ******  is on of the suburbs of Bratislava that saw a massive construction boom. However, the infrastructure didn't keep up, and for a long time, many houses weren't connected to a central sewage system, meaning residents had to deal with their own septic tanks